Can Barbie Come Out and Play?

-- Not If The Saudi Religous Police Have Their Way!
by Denis Schulz

"Psst! You want to buy a Barbie doll -- only 100 Saudi riyals on the black market? That's $27 US dollars. It comes in a plain brown package so no one will know what you've got. If you should, unfortunately, come across some of Allah's enforcers (the Saudi Authority for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice) they will think you have just purchased one of the hottest items on the Saudi toy market-a bobble-headed Osama bin Laden doll. Let them think what they will and keep quiet unless you're one of those who like being beaten across the derriere with a switch.

If you prefer not to suffer the indignity of a switching, and you're afraid you might be caught, then you might wish to purchase a special Spanky & Alfalfa Tushy Pad for 100 Saudi riyals. That's also $27 US dollars. Place the pad where you think it will do the most good and let Allah's enforcers whale away to their heart's content. Remember to cry out and beg forgiveness. And please -- there are no refunds on Barbie dolls lost or damaged in confrontations with the police.

"Psst! Hey, you -- want to buy a Barbie doll?"

Because of its high birthrate and increasingly young population, the Middle East has become one of the world's largest toy markets. Doting parents spend about $1 billion dollars a year on toys, jewelry, and clothes for their children. And Saudi Arabia is no exception. One billion dollars is a lot of money even for Bill Gates. It will buy thousands and thousands of Osama bin Laden bobble-head dolls for little Mohammed, and hundreds and hundreds of coloring books depicting Allah's transformation of Jews into monkeys and pigs for little Fatima. Even if one adds the obligatory cost of a case or two of Jihad Cola -- Saudi Arabia's new national drink -- to the expense of a bobble-head doll and a coloring book, the average Saudi family will still have a few riyals left in the pocketbook; enough, perhaps, to purchase a Barbie doll, a stuffed animal, a Britney Spears cami and pants set, and, maybe, a Huckleberry Hound wristwatch -- all items considered evil by the Saudi religious police.

Evil? Barbie is evil? How could that be possible? Does she come wrapped in a Victoria's Secret catalogue with a 1-800 number tattooed on her butt? Couldn't they cover her with a burqa? Her boobs aren't that big! Who would know unless they peeked? Oh, you say her blonde hair would give her away? And what would that do? Remind them of Richard the Lion-Heart? Everything reminds them of Richard the Lion-Heart! And let's face it, she's not exactly the Flying Nun.

What are the Mullahs frightened of? Do they think Barbie is some kind of a jinn capable of casting spells on poor little Fatima; something that would put impure thoughts in her head; make her want to get behind the wheel of a Hummer; display her ankles on an escalator; hum 'do-wa-ditty' while preparing kumis for the Lord and Master; deliberately belch at inappropriate moments? Any of those?

Oh, yes -- all of those and more. Barbie is freedom; Barbie is democracy; Barbie is capitalism; Barbie is America; Barbie is non-Muslim; Barbie is sex; and -- most importantly -- Barbie is a Mattel.

A what? A Mattel? And that's bad?

Oh, yes, according to the Saudi intelligence ministry -- apparently run by Abdul Mortimer and Hamid ullwinkle -- Mattel is owned by the Jews! Owned by the Jews? Really? Who'da thunk!

Yes, it's a vicious, sadistic Zionist plot to undermine Saudi culture, say the Wahhabis. Given half the chance, the Jews will turn little Fatima into a whore. They will take her out of the kitchen, cover her butt with a
miniskirt, tuck some birth control pills in her purse, and set her down beneath a lamppost on some dirty street corner where she will be forced to compete with Irma La Duce for a livelihood.

Obviously, anyone who would seriously entertain such an absurd scenario would be easily outraged -- unbalanced, of course, but easily outraged; and that accurately describes Saudi Arabia's mullahs -- unbalanced and outraged. They feel exactly like Jefferson Davis felt when John Brown crossed the Potomac River and invaded Harper's Ferry; like Lester Maddox felt when he was handing out those axe-handles in front of his restaurant; like George Wallace felt when he stood in the doorway of that schoolhouse in Alabama -- and just like Wallace they are saying, "Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!"

So Saudi's God squad is going from store to store, confiscating Barbie dolls and stuffed animals; flowers and candles that might or might not represent non-Muslim religions; anything that might resemble a Buddha, a star of David, or a Christian cross. And these are the rascals that are supposed to be helping us in the War on Terrorism?
Barbie, run for your life!

Denis Schulz is the publisher of The MaxFlax Report. He can be contacted at maxflack@one.net.